We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
