I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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