people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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