jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
