I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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