i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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