Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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