Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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