if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
