I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
