There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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