I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I could make wine with my vomit
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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