I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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