you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
