Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
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Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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