Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
