Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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