i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
