I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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