I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So gin and wine won't be happening again
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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