Your face is a jimmy john
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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