the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
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YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence