Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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