i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
