what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
