I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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