I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
