Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That accounts for only three of the penises
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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