She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Terrible idea I love it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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