remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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