Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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