he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
