How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
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You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
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Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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