I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
