I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
