i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
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