It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
