the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
