i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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