if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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