she woke up with a sticky ear
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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