are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
