I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
