I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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