I want to walk on stilts...naked
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
