I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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