I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
