good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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