I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
