Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
