Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
