Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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