its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
