i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
