i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
