Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
