im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
