So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
