The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
