All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
